Don’t Say It

“Yea, so I think It must come from my childhood or something. I remember flipping out whenever someone was talking to me but looking at someone else. As if they are looking for support or that I’m just a ploy to ignite another conversation with another person. Some fucking more important person. A cool guy. But I knew flipping out wasn’t appropriate. Gave them the power; I wish I could have just sat back and laughed. Or even feel indignant that I don’t require that support from my peers. Although, maybe I do. Maybe, that is at the heart of my rage. That I don’t have those comforting eyes to build myself up. Looking around a room and not seeing hands to hold. I don’t know. All conjecture. I don’t know if I want it, I don’t know if I have it, and I don’t know if I should want to have it.”

The group are silent.

“It’s like I just want the option to have that support. It would be nice to feel admired? Is that something I’ve ever felt? Imagine you are in the middle of a rant, and you feel someone’s admiration for you. Not like fucking puppy dog eyes staring at you but like, eyes of “man, you are great.”. Is that a fucking mental thing to desire? I suppose if I have that desire, I am not only an egomaniac but also not very present. Have any of you guys seen Always Sunny? No? oh, well, there is this scene with one of the characters, Dennis, who rages and shouts, “look at me when you’re talking to me.”. I relate to it a lot, unsurprisingly. But anyway, do you think you’ll be able to do my 6-12:30? one of you?”

Silence again fills the room as the floor remains appealing. 

Don’t say it, man, Do not say it. Let them interrupt the silence. Do not s

“And that’s my Ted Talk.”

If the room could drop their heads further to the ground, they would have. Fucking disgusting. Vomit inducing language. Someone probably would have covered that shit if he didn’t say the fucking Ted Talk thing. Idiot. Lunatic idiot.

Cheers