First Therapy Session

I will annoyingly start with some caveats. I despise caveats. If you’re on the Patreon, you’ll know that I’ve had “caveats” written on my blog notes for like eight months because I actually want to write about them and how condescending and unnecessary they are. Nevertheless, some caveats: what I write about here will be new coping mechanisms that I’ve heard through therapy that are helping me and MIGHT help you. Plenty of other techniques. If it isn’t your thing, you aren’t fucked. Caveat number two- I will try to make this as impersonal as possible, almost an oxymoron. I do not like writing about myself as I do not think it represents my ability as a writer. My fictional writing is profoundly personal but, in a distant enough way that I can still appreciate objectively blah blah blah let’s get into it.

Oh!

Suppose I should mention that, just to give this some more context, despite knowing this personalises the writing even further, I decided to go to therapy because my general anxiety had become unbearable. It became more apparent that I either developed agoraphobia or have always had it. I’m leaning towards having always had it but was blamed on other factors, too much caffeine, hangover, legs being tired etc. I often fear I will sink to the ground. Big open spaces freak me the fuck out :) ALSO, I went private for my therapy, and my parents offered to pay for it. I’m on waiting lists for NHS shit, but yea. Fucking use your privilege. Last thing, I’m on anti-depressants now but it is a very low dose of Mirtazapine. (15mg taken at night.) Been working well.

Therapy Session number one

I begin with a confession. I’ve had two sessions. But the first was introductory, although I still came out of it with new tools. I believe the therapist labels the first session as introductory to reduce expectations and pressure. PRESSURE! 

After literally five minutes, the therapist pinpointed something in how I talk about or to myself. I speak in “shoulds and needs.” I need to go to the gym today. I need to go to Muay Thai tonight. I need to go solo travelling. I should go for a run Etc etc. Maybe it is actually impossible to make this impersonal. Anyway, talking to yourself like that is not very kind. It heaps pressure on yourself. He said to imagine someone following you around all day telling you what to do. 

“Do your food shop!”

“Exercise!”

“Where are you going? You need to go do _____”

You’d want to fucking batter that person wouldn’t you? Well, that’s what I do to myself. I do not compassionately talk to myself. Perhaps, you do the same. Now, I am trying to alter my language. For the most part, no more shoulds and needs. You gotta eat? Fine, you need to eat. Yes, you need to go to work. But when you really think about it, needs are rare. I now focus on wants and cans. I want to go to the gym. I can work on my dissertation - eliminating pressure. Be kind to yourself. He also briefly mentioned something about breathing which has been a real game-changer for me. A couple of minutes before the end of the session, he starts talking about how some people do not breathe the most effectively. To get the most out of breathing, you can (maybe should, but what did we say about should? do you feel talked down to? I’m sorry I’m just enlightened and you’re stupid!), inhale and exhale through your stomach. It probably isn’t your stomach, but whatever pushes your abdomen, your diaphragm? Whatever. Doing that prompts calmness. He told me how often people think they are breathing most effectively, but they are only using their chest, which in turn fuels the fight or flight response. So you feel panicky, think, “right, let’s breath”, and then you breathe in a way that furthers your anxiety. I’ve been thinking, despite never really being overweight, perhaps I subconsciously hold in my stomach for vain reasons. God forbid my stomach sticks out.

We spoke about how thoughts regarding physical actions can be helpful. For instance, thinking about hitting a golf ball perfectly is beneficial as you perform the act; however, thinking about thinking is not. Our brain is overdue an update. It is a machine; you cannot stop the cog from turning and you cannot help your thoughts. Our overthinking may have been helpful in the stone Age for survival, but now, for the most, thinking about why you are thinking about something is unnecessary. What you want to work on is your behavioural response to your thoughts. 

That’s all for session one; the rest was more fleshed out in session two. 

Number two

Man, I have been breathing. Sadly, using my mouth too much though. He told me today how breathing with your nose is better. He didn’t get too scientific, but he mentioned how your body naturally bounces from breathing through your left and right nostril. The left nostril is the one that promotes calmness, whereas your right is more for adrenaline and stuff. Anyway, I want to breathe through my nose more.

T= Thought. F=Feeling. P= Physical Response. B= Behavioural response.

So, dealing with the first half of the whiteboard. Man, I was running a lot in February and early March. Walking, anxious, hood up, hood down, hood up, running and then whatever destination I finally reach. The breathing thing has helped me so much so far because ever since, I’ve noticed that when I am anxious, I stop breathing. I tense up. So now, when I have bizarre thoughts and, remember do not focus on getting rid of the thoughts; I want to see my stomach breathing.

Thought = What if I collapse in the middle of the road? My shit tends to be almost always social. Everyone will look at me. Etc etc.

Feeling = Scared. Alert. Have started to activate the fight or flight response.

Physical response = Now I breathe most effectively. I can relax. I can stop the cycle! We do not even get onto the behavioural response because the breathing has taken me out of the state of emergency.

Maybe the thoughts will go away the more I quell the anxiety they cause. But anyway, that is what we talked about for the first part of the session. I like that system. He says it is pretty old, but I like the metaphors it can bring out, like stopping a car. The car barges through T and eases through F, but P stops it.

Anyway, god, this is already a really long blog; we got onto trauma after that. Big spooky trauma. Although he didn’t actually say trauma, we essentially spoke about trauma. Potential reasons why big open spaces freak me out. Most likely, it relates to childhood. I mentioned some stories from my childhood that have potential. Something anxiety-ridden occurring whilst in an ample open space. Wee sneaky anxieties. Wait a minute, all that shit happened in a…big open space! You wee cunt!

This was when we discussed how there are different parts of yourself. So for me, I have my anxious side that likely stems from childhood. Or, in other words, your trauma is a child. I mean, it hasn’t fundamentally changed over time. It is a child. I loved this use of language because, well, how would you talk to a child? Would you call a crying child a fucking idiot? Na, you’d be kind to them. So your anxious self is a child.

The other part, the other part of many, is your so-called rational self- the guy calling your child a fucking idiot. I will say that calling your non-anxious self the rational part is a bit incorrect as your anxious self is in some ways rational. Like me running home because I think my legs can’t support my weight anymore is rational. What would be more reasonable would be to crawl home. Arrive at my flat first and then deal with my sudden paralysis. Anyway, I want to make my ‘rational’ self more compassionate and specifically towards me. I’m a child.

Lastly, I’ll touch upon that wee diagram at the bottom of the whiteboard. He said 5Ps, but there is only four. I very nearly mentioned that it was only four, but then.

T = What if he has forgotten?

F= Nervousness, I do not want to embarrass him. He is a nice man.

BLAH BLAH BLAH etc. etc.

Anyway, it was just all about recognising patterns of behaviour. Maybe more will be said about that next week.

I hope you enjoyed reading this, and maybe it was helpful to you. Perhaps, send it to a friend or share it on social media. I will say, and I get this a lot, I don’t feel brave. I don’t think I am brave. People say, “I love that you’re comfortable enough to talk about this.” Whether it is because I’m a man or just that, people generally struggle to discuss their mental health, but the compliment has expired to me. When I was nineteen, I’d maybe feel good that I am ‘brave’ enough to discuss shit like this. But now, naw. It just is what it is. It is life.

Something is wrong, and I want to get better. A round of applause is not warranted. However, it is because I have been dealing with physical symptoms of anxiety for years. If you are new to dealing with this shite, yea for sure give yourself a pat on the back for opening up about it. Especially guys. Because man, we are fucked. Interestingly, my first ever story, ‘The Silent Old Man Having A Pint’, is about my envy towards that type of man who can sit with a pint and be alone in his thoughts. However, I know that he is perhaps, pushing down his emotions with alcohol. Right FINISHED.

Cheers