Give Me A Bruise
Give me Tinnitus. Give me diabetes. Give me high blood pressure. Give me a pill.
The relentless search for physical reasons for my failing brain. What I would give for that treasure, what I have spent in the hopes of its capture. Odd to desire a positive test. It’s my fucking lottery. Every other week a new tactic spawns from my head.
It is the shoes. They make you feel off-balance; you just need better shoes. Your glasses are the wrong prescription; you just need new glasses. You just didn’t eat a lot today. You need food for the energy; that is why you think the floor is falling beneath you. It is because you haven’t eaten in a couple of hours, that’s what happens, isn’t it? You don’t eat for two hours, and you lose your mind?
You didn’t sleep well last night, though, so it all makes sense. Just need some sleep. You had too much coffee today; just have less coffee. In fact, get rid of the coffee. All roads lead to coffee. Get some Green Tea with a wee bit less caffeine. You probably have a trapped nerve, and that is what is giving you vertigo. Because you’re a fucking pensioner, a trapped nerve has given you vertigo.
It is all the sugar in the mixers; stick to straight spirits. The hangover is horrific because you just had too much yano? The walls are closing in because you had a half bottle of whiskey. You are anxious just because you are writing about anxiety. It is this time of year. You need more sun. Once you see the sun, your body will no longer be numb. You are low on calcium, you are low on vitamin C, you are low on friendships, you are low on grit.
Your heart is not racing, so you aren’t actually anxious. You are just anxious about the thought of you being anxious. Great.
Why don’t you get back on that antidepressant train? Get rid of all that emotion. Look down on your semi with accepted frustration. Maybe, get some C.B.T. with the N.H.S. so you can be C.U.R.E.D. by talking about primary school. One appointment every three months. That’ll do it. Tell them you’re suicidal, and maybe you’ll get an appointment a few days earlier. Take a loan out to and go private. Get into debt to try and be sane. Then sane me can deal with that.
God, this is fun.