Introspective Redundancy
Immobilising eureka moments.
I, like many, fall into the self-diagnosis camp of psychologists without relevant qualifications. I don’t diagnose myself with actual diseases. However, I did use to (basically never fucking google things), but I derive meaning from all of my actions. Not just steps but thoughts too, I am my own ‘thought police’. Outwardly I am an existentialist, yet within, I appear to value every moment in my life. Cherished is the wrong word though, I do not love my memories and look forward to working out why I am a dickhead. I never enjoyed problem-solving at school, give me the solution, and I’ll work on the process, okay? If I act a certain way at the traffic lights because I believe something terrible happened at school, the eureka moment falls flat.
“Aw shit, that is why I act like that.”
Oh well, I suppose I’ll continue to act that way. Allow my memories to justify my current actions? I expect everyone to know me profoundly whilst simultaneously assuming it is correct of me not to develop as a person. I have a plethora of theories to explain my actions. If you know me, you will know I am always harping on about insecurities. Everything, eventually, leads back to some obscure insecurity, which explains why you stabbed your friend in the kitchen (he had a large knife and I a small penis). When I was younger, if my tooth was hurting or something, I’d constantly poke at it with my tongue.
“Dad, my tooth is agony whenever I touch it with my tongue.”
“Don’t touch it with your tongue then,” says Father, you bastard.
As stupid as that sentiment is, ignoring the science behind compulsions, I actually think I could do with using that logic more.
“Aw, sorry I snapped there. I just hate it when people interrupt me.”
“Alright, well, still don’t snap.”
The justification for my crimes (I never have and will never break any law, I promise) is all made up anyway. Maybe the old fashioned pull yourself up by the bootstraps masculine bullshit actually has way more of an impact on action despite the troubling foundation.
The first time, one of few admittedly, that I have phoned in sick for work due to anxiety, I was asked, “will this be a reoccurring issue?” in the wee absentee form you have to fill out. Instinctually my answer was no. Don’t give me that. Don’t decrease the guilt I have for phoning in sick because of my anxiety. If you take that twenty per cent or so off the blow, man, I reckon I’ll throw that punch all the time. Poor shitinmyhead guy can’t come to work today because he is struggling. Fuck off.
If I have to, I’ll do it, and they’ll know it is serious. But other than that, no, I’ll just not poke my tooth with my tongue, snap at people for interrupting or phone in sick every time I feel a little off. That is where the ‘Introspective Redundancy’ comes into it. Being introspective is not making me act any differently. My excuses have expired. The five-pound off voucher for being a cunt, isn’t valid anymore, sorry. How about you change your actions and then focus on why it was so tricky? How about YOU take the hit.
Cheers.