Kylie Minogue Is A Murderer
A man storms purposely down a hallway. He catches a glimpse of himself in the mirror as he turns on the bathroom light. He looks fucking raging. You'd think someone had just nipped the back of his arm.
The walk to the shower is always so cold. Maybe I'll start putting the heating on in the bathroom? Can sit and shit in a sauna; that would be great. It goes coffee, shit and then showers. Is today the day I go for a cold shower? I know all the health benefits; I know it will make me feel good…eventually. I will obviously have a warm shower, but it is nice to at least pretend I am willing to face up to a challenge.
Gonna go for 'The Boss' by James Brown first. There is a song I recently added to the playlist; what was it? A real fucking shite song that makes you want to be at pres. A song you sing seriously for twenty seconds and then burst out laughing, staring at your pal half cut. The thought alone is making me want to get wrecked, but what is the song, man?
'Can't Get You out of My Head' By Kylie Minogue. Fucking Yass. You know what, I am going to double queue it. I will listen to this song consecutively; today is going to be great.
He sits the phone down by the toilet. Music loud enough to cover the sound of the shower but quiet enough not to wake the flat. A very awkward dance ensues. He is half-laughing at himself in recognition of this fact.
James Brown is dead, I assume. I'm sure he also beat women or something. Fucking good dancer, though, right? If I were to mimic his dancing every day in the shower for a year, maybe I could….
THUD
His thoughts are abandoned as his back smacks of the ground. Blood bursts onto the bathroom wall as the bone of his leg sprouts like a prolapsed anus.
Oh my god. I think my leg has fucking snapped off. Aw, I cannot look.
Yup, the bone is sticking out. Holy fuck. I'm gonna throw up.
La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la
La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la
La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la
La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la
One hand on his wound, the other on the ground. Water rinsing the attack away for a second before being quickly overcome by the red army. The Bob Marley tattoo on his chest, promoting inner peace, providing unpalpable irony.
Right moan, try and stand up. Don't think my dick has ever been smaller than right now. People don't pass out from the pain when it is just a broken leg, right? A lot of blood, to be fair.
Boy, your lovin' is all I think about
I just can't get you out of my head
Boy, it's more than I dare to think about
Shut the fuck up, Kylie!
Right, I'll wait for the song to finish and then scream for help; folk are in, I'm sure. No longer in the mood to appreciate the humour in the music; I get that I probably look hilarious right now. Big bearded guy with an emergency teenis and a bone sticking out his leg listening to Kylie Minogue. Come on! You can wait this out. That image doesn't need to be a known reality.
There's a dark secret in me
Don't leave me left in your heart
Set me free
Feel the need in me
Set me free
Stay forever and ever, and ever, and ever
Aw, please hurry up. Is my masculinity that fragile that I am doing this? I'm in agony. What the fuck am I doing. Pause it. Just pause it. Pause and then scream. You can not stand, but surely you can reach the phone with your hand.
His penis is invisible to the human eye, his leg clinging onto existence. The phone is now inches away from his finger. Kylie Minogue reappearing after being briefly clouded out. At this point, his teeth are attached to his bottom lip.
Surely I am not passing out? These blinks seem unusually long, man.
The man passes out. 'Can't Get You out of My Head' plays for the second time. Too ashamed to cry for help whilst embracing a bit of Kylie. Five hours go by until he is discovered. The man bled out. Dead.
Cheers