Quiet People
Would I love to shut the fuck up?
I wonder what it is like to be a quiet person. An actively quiet person, one that listens whilst the group goes back and forth. Creating debates in their head without the need to expose themselves. In some sense, they are truly objective. One would not be able to control themselves if one vehemently felt one way or the other. Or their passions are solely satiable. Not built upon competing vernacular.
I could be in a group of strangers and still end up putting out the Blair signal- look at me, look at the stuff that comes out my mouth. "I bet you haven't heard this before!!!" It is hard to decipher what all contribute to this inability to stay silent. On the one hand, there is an evident pressure to talk. I do not know whether being a man has anything to do with it, although, ever noticed at school quiet girls are quiet and quiet boys are 'shy'. To me, shyness suggests weakness. "Leave him alone he is a shy boy." A shy boy has no authorship, whereas a quiet individual connotes more responsibility as if they have made a choice. Anyway, it is precisely that choice that I desire.
Now I know some, probably MOST, do not want to be and are quiet. Perhaps, they too only want the option to change. When I was maybe eleven, my parents once told me that I was having a birthday party at this private swimming pool in Alloway. When they told me, I started crying…with sadness. It is a memory I have never really attempted to figure out. It is not a very sad memory because I know the result, the party went ahead, and it was great. However, remembering my parent's shock is quite depressing. Expecting excitement and gratefulness but receiving panicked pleading. Just sobbing, no explanation or attempt to explain. Now, this is where choice comes to it. Perhaps, I was afraid of the lack of choice I would have. I would need to speak.
Forced to be centre of attention. Every flavour, every idea, every decision catered for me. Questions directed at me that I must answer. Not only can I not drift away physically out of the limelight, but my personality also prevents me from escaping- I do not allow silence. I am a shy soul in battle with an outspoken mind. I have a deep hatred of hypocrisy, yet, it appears, I am built with and sustained by hypocrisy. So the other side of the pressure seems to come from within that I, deep down, believe I should not stay silent. That this side of me is unacceptable, my closeted desire. What is the quiet person equivalent? What twists their self-admiration?
Since I am a quiet person in denial, I think I can suss out their possible issues. For instance, the condescension. The approval tone hurled at them any time they did pipe up. The overcorrection that any comment they make is strengthened in fervour due to their usual silence. They rarely score a goal, so people celebrate as if they have just smacked it in from forty yards out when they tap it into an open net. I see it in lectures all the time, a quiet person speaking but really saying nothing, yet the reaction they receive borders on applause. That is my nightmare. Nothing worse than encouragement over something you know you should be able to do with ease. Also, adulation over something you know was shite…debilitating.
Now, I can despise loud people, and I imagine quiet people can and do also. Filled with envy, obviously, anger over their seeming lack of concern for approval. The assumption is that they do not go through what we go through. They bend down and tie their shoelaces whilst we practice the routine for twenty minutes in nervous anticipation. When they present their newly tied shoes, no one bats an eye, but people faint when we display our delicate footwear adjustment. God, I can taste the envy in my words, man.
Ultimately, there is no conclusion here. I am what I am, and sometimes you just can't control aspects of yourself. Nor is there an optimal way to be. Need to learn to let go of the wheel now and then. Enjoy sitting in the back.