Three Second Loop

Little lights dug into a path show me the way. I am grateful for the condescension, at first. Bouncing from my eyes to the canal, back and forth. It should be a supportive triangle, a compass and a hand.

The water looks alive. Something about reflections scares me. Puddles scare me. I guess it is the white hue behind reflections that signal the alarm. A white hue that is seen in the eyes of the blind. For a split second, you think you are going blind. Or, I do anyway. Because I’m a fucking nut. 

The environment is not changing enough. Every step seems the same, and the lights are like falling dominos without the debris. I turn round, and there they are back standing. I look into the distance and, despite seeing my legs move, the picture is stagnant. That’s what happens to me often. My sight is seen as a picture. A life obsessed with small directional changes to a square photograph. A blink, and you’re switching off your alarm. A blink, and you’re talking to a stranger wondering how they can also have thoughts. A new existence every second.

 I quicken up my pace, but yet my vision is the same. Why am I not progressing? What the fuck is this. A fear that you’re stuck in a loop without anyone around to give you a slap, turn you on and off, replace your batteries. I’ve certainly tried out a little slap, and I frequently turn myself on and off again. Replacing my batteries, though, that’s a shout. 

I’m running now. Luckily no one kicking about. I just need a landmark. Something to give me the closure that things are moving, let me know I am in sync with an unstoppable world. A lampost, a bin, a bridge…anything. Something to stand out amongst the black path and the repetitive lights. 

Now when I stare forward, it feels like I will be propelled. Like the car has suddenly stopped, and I’ll rush towards whatever is in front of me. No seat belt on, no batteries in. Closest object to my vision. A wall a mile down the road will hit me instantly. See that wall all the way over there? What if it was actually, all of a sudden, right in front of me? Wouldn’t that be terrifying? This continues for a few minutes, a battle between a frozen loop and an unwelcome collision. 

Finally, I reach a lampost. Would you look at that? You made it! You aren’t stuck in a loop. You’ve desperately sprinted down the path begging for a successful step, and you have got it. Not only that, you’ll be even earlier to your destination. What? No, it’s perfectly normal. What happened here is perfectly normal. Most people, on occasion, start to think their life has been put on a three-second loop. 

Anyway, remember when you were saying how you never sprint anymore? How, as adults, you never sprint. And how sprinting is really freeing and simple. Void of concern. Not interested in what your face has been moulded into or the spit hurling out of your mouth. Positives in everything, right? You got to sprint. 

I laugh it off. Not worth thinking about. I survived. For fuck sake. 

Cheers