How Do You Do It?
Does that fake grin numb you?
How do you do it?
At first, it must have been like an electrical circuit. Input, process, output. They say this, I say that, and we laugh. But, it feels like many people aren't playing a game, they just are that thing.
I was in a cafe the other day, Zennor, and there was a dog. As I entered the cafe for the first time, the dog looked at me for attention. My head was distracted by my rehearsed speech and desire to see a couch; I wasn't ready for unplanned socialising. I am insert some mental condition.
The dog looked bizarre. I said, "is it lab?" the woman said it was a golden retriever. Never really understood the difference, but I replied, "its head is massive!" which it was. It looked like a liger. My comment made the air awkward; the woman laughed, but I felt like a freak when I said it. I am a freak, but I felt that was me letting everyone know in the room. Truth be told, I regretted not saying that it looked like a liger, but I forgot the name liger at the time. I wish we would let more inter-species fucking go on; see what happens. Who cares.
I didn't give it much more thought until I heard new customers interact with the dog and its owner when they came in. They could do it. Instead of talking about the massive head, they mentioned the paws. Big paws, not "big fuck off paws," which I would have liked to have said. But big paws, and then something about what age the dog is. That they also have a dog, blah blah blah. What I said wasn't that far off, in fact, it was very close to what many different (normal) people said. But that's just it; any little deviation from the norm and you'll see people's heads pop up as if you've just confessed that you have a bomb strapped to your chest.
The owner, I assume, plays this game often. I love dogs, but they are a social crutch. A gateway to dull but predictable conversations. That may be why my comment was such a spanner. I just don't react to things as you are "meant to" react. I don't gleefully sing along to happy birthday.
When I first moved to Glasgow when I was 18, I would freeze when someone said to me, "how's it going?" as a greeting. Were they asking me how I felt or just saying hello? And how do I feel? Do they want to know? I feel shit, or I regret not having a wank earlier, or I got my first haemorrhoid. Side note: the only time I have ever gotten a haemorrhoid, I was 18. That's funny, yea? Because we think of it as something that happens to, at least, middle-aged men. But there I was, spreading my hole to show my friends at 18. I could go into more detail but I will save YOU the trouble. All I will say is one day, my shit felt wetter than usual.
But this game stuff. Christmas etc. Life is Christmas. Everyone talks about certain topics, no going beyond the circle of socially acceptable conversations. The smiling with the fucking wide-open eyes. The nodding with the fucking wide-open eyes. The nodding with the fucking wide open eyes before I am even halfway through my sentence. You’re already showing me support?
As I have gotten older, I do not want to ever hold back. I'm tired of polite laughter just to survive. I want to be me all the time. All of me. But not being able to hold back holds you back. My lack of performance will be to my detriment.
Ask your Mum and Dad what their kinks are. Let me know how that goes.
Cheers.